Telemarketing Revenge: What to say to those *%&# annoying callers
m ps. I was once a telemarketer...
Another disclaimer: this was found on the rec.humor newsgroup.

1.  The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later?

2.  You called at the right time, buster.  I'll order carloads of whatever you got just to restore my credit rating.  Those turkeys down at the bank go bananas over one little bounced check or two.

3.  Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address.  As of next Wednesday, it'll be: Care of the Warden, Maximum Security Wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.

4.  What's that you say?  Speak up, please, will you?  The battery has run down on my hearing aid.  Louder, please, louder.  Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.

5.  I'm afraid you have the wrong number.  This is a funeral home.

6.  I'm just house-sitting here, buddy.  The owners won't be back for a couple of months.  You wouldn't have a good deal on off-brand whiskeys and beer by the case, would you? Maybe a little grass or snow?

7.  Too late, pal. As of tomorrow, Uncle Sam will take care of all my necessities. But you might try my drill instructor at Camp Pendleton.  In other words, tell it to the marines.

8.  I'm gonna have to put you on hold.  The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water.  Lots of it.  Sorry, gotta hurry now. Don't go away.

9.  Oh, it's you again.  I was hoping you'd call back.  The better business people said I need more positive identification to file a complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number.  Hello? Hello?

10.  Well, if this ain't the living end.  The furniture is out on the sidewalk; the sheriff's auction is about to begin and you want to sell me a freezer full of prime beef.  Keep talking. I can dream, can't I?

11.  Sorry to cut you off like this, but Uncle Barry is choking on something.

12.  The furnace just conked out, there's a foot of water in the basement, and I nearly broke my neck on the kid's skateboard getting to the phone. You wouldn't have a special on cyanide, would you?

13.  You better talk to my wife when she gets back from Reno. This place will be all hers then.

14.  Excuse me, this nice police officer, here, said that I should inform you that my phone is being tapped.  Now, what kind of drugs did you say you were selling?

15.  You have reached the prosecuting attorney's office. If you will hold a minute, I'm SURE he'd like to talk to you.

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