Ways to Confuse your Roommate

by Brian and Andy. (This also came from rec.humor)

  • Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
  • Speak in tongues.
  • Move your roommate's personal effects around.  Start subtley. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
  • Walk and talk backwards.
  • Spend all your money on Jolt Cola.  Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room.  Number them.
  • Spend all your money on Transformers.  Play with them at night.  If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight faice, "They're more than meets the eye."
  • Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo.  If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
  • Collect all your body water in a small jug.
  • Get a computer.  Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
  • Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
  • Eat glass.
  • Smile. All the time.
  • Pray to the Gods in Toledo.  They enjoy your kneeling and facing away from them.
  • Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
  • Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.  When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food and eat it.  If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
  • Paste pre and post nasal drips on the windows in occult patterns.  
  • Dye all your underwear lime green.
  • Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.  Accuse him/her of stealing it.
  • Pray to Azazoth and Zoroaster.  Sacrifice something.
  • Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.  Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so.  Keep this up for three weeks.
  • Array thirteen tooth brushes of different colors on your dresser.  Refuse to discuss them.
  • Shave one eyebrow.
  • Put your mattress underneath your bed.  Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe.  If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space, " twenty times while twitching violently.
  • Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.  Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
  • Subsist entirely on pickles for a week.  Vomit often.
  • Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least six hours a day.  If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
  • Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.  Close them as soon as you wake up.

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