-
Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump
sardines in it. 
Talk
to them.
-
Speak in tongues.
-
Move your roommate's personal effects around.
Start subtley. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually
glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
-
Walk and talk backwards.
-
Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink
it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number
them.
-
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play
with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell
him/her with a straight faice, "They're more than meets the
eye."
-
Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing
Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains,
explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her
with the wrench).
-
Collect all your body water in a small jug.
-
Get a computer. Leave it on when you
are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
-
Ask your roommate if your family can move in
"just for a couple of weeks."
-
Eat glass.
-
Smile. All the time.
-
Pray to the Gods in Toledo. They enjoy
your kneeling and facing away from them.
-
Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your
roommate suspiciously.
-
Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in
the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around
in the trash. Find the food and eat it. If your roommate
empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse
you.
-
Paste pre and post nasal drips on the windows
in occult patterns.
-
Dye all your underwear lime green.
-
Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's
closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
-
Pray to Azazoth and Zoroaster. Sacrifice
something.
-
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute
and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a
shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
-
Array thirteen tooth brushes of different colors
on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
-
Shave one eyebrow.
-
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep
down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe.
If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space,
" twenty times while twitching violently.
-
Shelve all your books with the spines facing
the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book
that you want.
-
Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit
often.
-
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania
Polka," and play it at least six hours a day. If your
roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive
cultures class.
-
Open your window shades before you go to sleep
each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
