Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump
sardines in it. Talk
Speak in tongues.
Move your roommate's personal effects around.
Start subtley. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually
glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Walk and talk backwards.
Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink
it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play
with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell
him/her with a straight faice, "They're more than meets the
Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing
Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains,
explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her
with the wrench).
Collect all your body water in a small jug.
Get a computer. Leave it on when you
are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in
"just for a couple of weeks."
Smile. All the time.
Pray to the Gods in Toledo. They enjoy
your kneeling and facing away from them.
Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your
Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in
the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around
in the trash. Find the food and eat it. If your roommate
empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse
Paste pre and post nasal drips on the windows
in occult patterns.
Dye all your underwear lime green.
Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's
closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
Pray to Azazoth and Zoroaster. Sacrifice
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute
and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a
shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
Array thirteen tooth brushes of different colors
on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
Shave one eyebrow.
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep
down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe.
If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space,
" twenty times while twitching violently.
Shelve all your books with the spines facing
the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book
that you want.
Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania
Polka," and play it at least six hours a day. If your
roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive
Open your window shades before you go to sleep
each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.